“Blimey, I wish they’d taught me this at school!”
We all have moments in our lives — usually when we’re at the brink of an existential crisis — when we wished someone had spent more time teaching us how to do taxes instead of lecturing on people of dubious origins who lived 500 years ago.
Even though we spend so many hours of our lives sitting in a classroom, for whatever reason, there are still some fairly essential life skills that don’t seem to get taught in the classroom. There are also quite a few things that are truly unteachable in a classroom setting, but it would be pretty amazing if they could be!
With this in mind, the Printsome team, specialised in personalised T-shirts, has created logos for universities that don’t actually exist, but we wish they did!
The University of Stuff You Actually Need to Know
Calculus, schmaculus – what good will that do me when I’ve finished school? No matter what your teachers tell you, the cold hard truth is that probably not much. That’s why you should consider our university, which teaches you all the things you’ll actually have to use after graduation.
You’ll learn how to balance a budget, file your taxes, look for an apartment, fill out a job application, create a C.V., go on a job interview, how to negotiate – all that sort of practical stuff.
This will probably be at least as dull as advanced level maths, but with the significant upside of it being actually useful.
The College of Disappointments of Adult Life
You’ll never say “Nobody told me this would happen,” again. Unlike other places, we’re going to fully train you to face all the inevitable disappointments of adult life. This makes the perfect follow-up school to our previous institution.
After completing our course, students will be expected to know how to:
- Know exactly how much all those bills add up to
- Politely deal with customer service agents
- Suppress your rage when you realise how much of your life you’ve wasted stuck in traffic
- Deal with taxes without crying or swearing
- Calculate what percentage your metabolism will drop by every year
- Figure out how many years of your life you will have to spend in meetings, waiting for
appointments, and filling out paperwork
- Plot the trajectory of your life and where your current poor decisions mean you’ll end up at ages 30, 40, and 50
Upon graduation, students will receive a referral to a therapist specialised in treating major depressive disorder and anxiety issues.
The Institute of Looking Cool
To be admitted to our fine institution, students will be required to undergo a lengthy evaluation process. We can’t tell you exactly what makes one student stand out from the others; it’ll just be that je ne sais quoi.
Here, we will teach you how to wear clothes that are in style but not too trendy, perfect your Instagram feed, roll a joint successfully, plan a party that the right people want to come to, and flirt without seeming either desperate or creepy. More advanced students will go on to a masterclass in looking effortless (effort required).
Our graduates go on to lead pretty much whatever industries they want. People will flock to them, drawn in by their natural magnetism. With our course offerings you, too, can learn how to smoothly sail through social situations cool as a cucumber.
The School of Self-Pity
Come to our school and we will teach you the very best techniques for wallowing in thoughts of where your life has gone wrong. Our school is ideal for a range of candidates, particularly recent university graduates who aren’t sure about which step to take next and middle-aged people filled with regret about their life decisions.
You’ll learn our tried-and-true methods for dealing with panic (such as avoidance, denial, and stress eating), along with a lot about what everybody else is doing with their lives* and why you should probably have done that instead.
* Our techniques on how to browse social media and compare your life to others are the best on the market.
Our courses culminate in a final presentation. This will be given to an audience of disappointed authority figures shaking their heads over your wasted potential.
Stop wasting your precious time and enrol now! After all, you’ve already wasted enough of it.
The Cupid Academy
Are you struggling to find The One for you? Don’t worry, our faculty at the Cupid Academy is here to help! Trained on a steady diet of Jane Austen novels and the latest in romantic comedy films, they love nothing more than to see their students’ hearts go all a-flutter.
While you’re finding your happily ever after you’ll undergo a lengthy preparation, including courses such as “To Tinder or Not to Tinder?”, “Sowing Your Wild Oats”, and “Get One Before All the Good Ones are Gone.”
They will also be prepared to deal with issues they may encounter later on down the road, including “The Three Year Mark: Time to Let Your Body Hair Run Wild” and “IKEA: Swedish for Divorce?”
The Coca-Cola University of Happiness (sponsored by Coca-Cola)
They say happiness comes in a bottle — or in the form of one of our degrees! They may be useless, but boy, will you feel happy about having one.
You’ll learn all the secrets to finding happiness as a cog in the consumer landscape. We’ll train you how to pick the brands and corporations you’ll be loyal to forever so you can finally waste your money wisely! You’ll feel just so thrilled about them!
Graduate and you’ll be on the road to achieving your dreams and complete happiness for ever and ever! Your diploma comes sealed in an exclusive commemorative Coca Cola bottle.
Please note: students who say that Pepsi tastes better than Coke will be put on automatic academic probation.
The University of Pretending to Be a Real Adult
Give your parents the impression you have your life together when they call! Show up to work on time and act like you enjoy your job! Sit through a meeting and give a convincing impression of someone paying attention! Learn how to both impress and intimidate your friends when you go home for the holidays!
By the end of our course, you will be fully versed in all the techniques commonly used by Real Adults to appear to lead happy and fulfilling lives. You’ll be all ready to join the rat race and feel glad about it.
For our students who decide being a Real Adult is simply not the right choice for them, they may choose the option to drop out of the course. Once a student has officially decided to drop out, a special ceremony will be arranged to present them with our coveted Peter Pan certificate. Pay no regard to the certificate’s ever-increasing amount of wrinkles and sagging; nobody will really notice (probably).
Well, there you have it! These universities probably won’t ever exist, but the world would definitely be a more entertaining place if they did. And perhaps we’d all leave school slightly better prepared to face the real world!
Which one of these made-up universities would you most like to attend? Please, let us know in the comments below or join in the conversation via any of our social media outlets. In the meantime, keep reading the Printsome blog for more awesome content.