Here at Printsome, when we’re not busy printing T-shirts, we’re busy being huge fans of TV series. If there is something that Game of Thrones has taught us (aside from the fact that white wigs always look awful, even with HBO budget) is that you can’t trust anyone. Especially if you and those people are getting their paycheck from the same source.
We’ve all had to work with awful people at some point, but rarely anyone knows how to effectively deal with them. For years books and articles have been written about the subject, but none of those solutions are quite as satisfying as what we can sometimes imagine ourselves doing to those pests.
Today we bring you a colourful guide from the realm of our imagination, a death for each one of your nasty co-workers inspired by the successful tv show and book series Game of Thrones. Because if there is a series that has made an art out of killing characters, it’s that one. So sit down, relax and rejoice yourself while the fictional gore plays in your head.
How to kill a co-worker, according to Game of Thrones
WARNING: There are some major Game of Thrones spoilers ahead.
The so-called Stand Up Comedian
You know the person, the one who’s got the latest funny YouTube video. The one that regardless of what time it is (even at the ungodly first hour on a Monday morning) is upbeat and trying to make everyone “laugh” by sharing the latest one-liner. While he/she might land a joke here and there, most of them are a complete miss and all you wish is for him/her is to shut up and let you get back to work.
For this kind of humorist, I’d suggest a unceremonious death like the one Tyrion Lannister gave his father Lord Tywin. I once heard that you should never do anything that you wouldn’t like other people to find out in case you died doing it it. And while we can’t prevent going to the loo (we’re all human, after all) getting shot as you sit on the toilet must still be very embarrassing. Perfect for that person that tried to make you laugh all those times. YOUR JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY.
The Space Invader
Have you ever been concentrating, typing away, and then out of nowhere someone comes and starts giving you a shoulder massage? I have – and it wasn’t my boyfriend. It’s not pleasing. Especially if they’re asking you to do something related to work. Somehow this people think that by touching you they make themselves more appealing and therefore more likely for you to do them a favour. It does not work. In fact, you’re making it worse. Please, stop or I’ll sue you for sexual harassment.
An awful kind of death for this kind of co-worker would be to invade their personal space so much that they’d be crushed – literally. On the episode The Mountain and the Viper of the fourth season of Game of Thrones, the characters Oberyn and the Mountain face each other in a trial by combat. At first the prince seemed to be winning, but he underestimated his opponent and with a swift movement, the Mountain was back on top (literally). He grabbed his opponent’s head and crushed it like it was a pumpkin. HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW? HUH?
People who share way too much can make any situation awkward, dates, weddings, christenings, you name it. They’re always there to make an uncalled-for comment at the worst possible time. Have a deadline? They’ll talk to you about the awful date they had on Saturday. Running late for a meeting? Then they won’t stop jabbering about their chronic sinusitis.
The only way to stop these lacklustre story-tellers would be to slit their throats. Like many Game of Thrones characters, Catelyn Stark comes to mind, they would never speak again.
We all know who this is. The one co-worker who drags his/her feet all day long, complains about the work load, and asks way too many questions for how little he/she is doing.
There’s one scene in Game of Thrones that I’m pretty sure many bosses fantasised about after watching the episode – the one where Littlefinger pushes Lysa Arryn through the moon door to her death. Imagine saying “You’re fired.” and pushing him/her off the ledge. At least they would get from point A to point B faster than usual.
Oh, the martyr. We can’t quite get rid of them because they do a lot of the work, but then we have to put up with their tantrums. This is the one co-worker who likes to collect medals. These teammates always carry more weight than she should and when the inevitable burnout happens, she bursts into a dramatic speech (tears included) about how she is the only one who works and the rest are just a bunch of incompetent slackers.
What better way to get rid of a martyr than to burn her alive? A la Joan of Arc? At least then they’d have a real reason to cry about. There are several characters who’ve been set on fire throughout the first five seasons of Game of Thrones, but the one people have been scarred the most by was the human sacrifice of Shireen by Melisandre (The red lady).
The Chronic Downer
Mondays are a drag for everyone, but this person turns it into a drama that makes Precious look like a Disney film. The chronic downer is the co-worker who sees the bad in everything. It doesn’t matter how productive the week was or how many goals were achieved, they will always find something to complain about.
How to get rid of them? Well, they’re so depressing to hang around with that you shouldn’t even bother with killing them yourself. Send a shadow or a ghost instead to do the job. In Game of Thrones Renly Baratheon is killed in such a manner, making it one of the most bizarre deaths in the show.
There are different kinds of betrayers, some may throw you under the bus, others will take credit for your work and then there are those who sell your team’s secrets to the competition. Whichever kind, they’re all kind of awful.
There are tons of ways to get rid of a betrayer, but doing to them as they did to you sounds like a good idea to me. Have them trust you only to break that trust at the very last moment.
Characters have been poisoned in Game of Thrones and in many different ways. Some have been kissed (Myrcella Baratheon) and others have been handed a poisoned beverage (Joffrey Baratheon). Make that betrayer think that you’re buying them a drink when you’re actually handing them poison.
And there you have it. Seven obnoxious co-workers and seven positively medieval ways to get rid of them. Brought to you by Game of Thrones!
If you know of a type of team member or Game of Thrones death we didn’t cover, please, let us know. In the meantime, keep reading the Printsome blog for more awesome content.
Printsome is a t-shirt printing agency offering from printed t-shirts in Newcastle tocustom hoodies Oxford. For a quick quote, some advice on personalised clothing or simply a nice chat about GoT. Get in touch!